Life is really weird, especially right now. One minute everything seems to be going smoothly and then you hit a speed bump that slows you down. Only thing is that you find out that the bump was bigger than you thought and you’re going faster than you should for this moment, causing you to come to an abrupt stop. You get out to make sure everything is okay and that you didn’t cause any major damage only to realize that you banged everything up and now where you were going is no longer your focal point but where you are and what you need to do to fix it is.
That’s where I am. Everything was going great, just got my second promotion in less than 2 years and was now an Assistant Spa Director of an award winning spa. I was on the cusp of spreading my wings to expand to the next level of where this firmly laid foundation would take me and then the bottom fell out, taking everything that I built up and worked hard for with it. Faced with an uncertain future I retreated to my place of refuge, my sacred place, my creative space.
One of the things that I have learned during these "interesting" times is that as I was making moves from one thing to the next, I forgot about a part of me that gives me peace in my daily life. I forgot to incorporate the things that make me happy, the things that pour into me and fill me up with renewed life. Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t anything wrong with pursuing career goals as long as you don’t sacrifice the things that bring you peace and joy. I would continuously look at my jewelry putting it off until another time, until eventually I found myself in a position where years had gone by and I hadn't created a thing. Some of this was due to the fact that I gave so much to my job and other areas of my life and would push my personal desires further down on the list. Some of it is also the fact that I was afraid to create again. Scared to open that side of myself up again and it not work, it not be successful, or it not be liked, so I put it off. Crazy thing is, whenever I would drift off into my creative mind of what I would do, creative ideas start coming to my mind. Colors look like stones, nature looks like metals, and fashion gives me the backdrop of how my pieces would look on someone with the same style. At times, I would get so wrapped up in thought that hours would go by and I’d look down only to realize that I have sketched and designed 10 new possible pieces. Only to then get lost in the hustle and bustle of life and my creative self on the sidelines again.
So now, here I am… I’ve flown over this speed bump that is bigger than I thought and I now have an indefinite amount of time to create and I still feel like I'm holding back. What can I say, it is simply fear, the fear of another disappointment. Like so many things in my journey through this thing we call life, like some who may relate, I have experienced more disappointments in my life than the average person. I have spent so much time, energy, money, effort, putting my all into something just to see others with less effort move forward and pass me as I end up at the starting line all over again. I’m at an age where all I want is to have security, and stability. To be able to create a place of peace for myself so I can live in my own version of abundance. Yet here I am, faced with either possibly having to start over in my field or trying to figure out how I can transition this work experience into another field. When I try to run to my creative space as my place of refuge, at some point something reminds me that this too was a disappointment. So what do you do? What do you do when the field you’ve spent over 15 years cultivating your career in is hit so hard that you don’t know what you will do but you still love it? What do you do when the creative outlet that you put so much money, time, and energy into didn’t perform the way you desired it too, but your spirit still craves to explore it?
You go anyway…
Look, I don’t have the answers nor do I claim to have them, but I have given so much to everything and everyone and still ended up unemployed and left to my own devices. If I can put that much into things that benefit others and still be willing to go out and do it again without knowing if the same thing would happen again, how much more should I be willing to do the same for myself? I can’t tell you if this will work for me, but I know for certain that I can't give up and that I will keep trying. It's something in me that won't let it go. I think it is important that we make sure that we are taking care of ourselves in the ways that our personal spirit responds. My spirit loves to creating things and environments that are connected to a higher awareness, it really doesn’t care about my disappointments and/or failures. So I’m just going to keep moving forward, but most importantly, I’m going to be patient with myself while remembering to always make space for what feeds and pours into my soul. I don’t want to have another speed bump moment only to realize that I gave my everything to everything but myself.
Sending everyone a virtual warm hug and positive love from one healing heart to another.
Be Well - Sacred
Photo by Sebastian Palomino